Desire can be a confusing thing. In my own journey, I find I’m often mistaken about what I really want. I think I want one thing, only to find out what I truly want is something else entirely. I’ve found this happens most often when I focus on surface-level desires without digging deep down into the core of what I’m after. It’s a rookie mistake, really. It’s just so darn easy to forget the importance of looking deeper. And sometimes, it’s tough to know how to look deeper.
This issue comes up with my clients all the time. They feel frustrated because they so badly want something they don’t have - a new house, a better job, more friends, a soulmate. These seem like reasonable desires, right? Exactly the sorts of the things I should be helping my clients attain, right? But at the end of the day, these things are surface-level desires. These are all things that exist outside of us. And when we chase after them, we end up feeling empty and lifeless. Even if we’re lucky enough to get the big thing we’ve been chasing, we still don’t feel whole.
Can you relate?
If so, I think I can help. I have a simple little process that has helped me tremendously in my own life when it comes to getting what I (really) want.
Step 1: Ask yourself why you want the thing you think you want. For example, let’s say you want to lose weight. Ask yourself, “Why do I want to lose weight?” Your first response will probably be something like “to get healthy” or “to look better.” Don’t over think this. Just write the first response that comes to mind.
Step 2: Take your response and ask why again. Going with the weight loss example, you might ask, “Why do I want to be healthy?” Write down the response to that question.
Step 3: Repeat the process of asking why until you have drilled down to what I call the delicious core. The delicious core is a deep inner truth - it’s the pure desire of your heart.
If you aren’t sure you’ve found the delicious core, keep asking why. You’ll know it when you find it.
You can expect the delicious core to feel, well, delicious! But don’t be surprised if there are also layers of sadness, fear, and even anger when you hit on the core. It’s normal for a full spectrum of emotions to arise when you tap into a part of yourself that’s so elemental.
An example of steps 1-3:
- Why do I want to lose weight? Because I want to feel more comfortable in my body.
- Why do I want to feel more comfortable in my body? Because I want to wear the clothes I like and enjoy physical activities without strain.
- Why do I want these things? Because I’m tired of feeling so restrained and trapped in my own body.
- Why don’t I want to feel restrained and trapped? Because I want to be FREE. (Ah, the delicious core!)
Step 4: Now, create a brainstorm-style list of ways you can experience your delicious core right here, right now. Forget about that original thing you’ve been chasing, and imagine as many ways as possible to embody your core desire this very day. Let your mind run wild!
Going with the weight loss example, you might create this list:
I can experience freedom by:
spending more time with my pets, riding my bike really fast down hills, painting, wearing clothes that are soft and don’t cut into my belly, eating foods I love, gazing at the moon, reading poetry, taking naps when I’m worn out, getting rid of my scale, taking an acting class
(Of course, your list may be quite different.)
Step 5: Now, instead of putting your energy into losing weight (or whatever), put your energy into experiencing what you really want - your delicious core! Take steps toward infusing your life with the things on your list each and every day. Hint: teensy tiny steps work beautifully.
And there you have it. A simple yet powerful process that can transform your life in the most wonderful ways.
So... I hear you asking, “But what about my original desire?”
Some people will tell you that by focusing on the deeper stuff, you will magically be granted that other thing you originally wanted - the weight loss, the soul mate, the bigger paycheck, etc. But I happen to think this line of thinking undermines the whole point.
Is is possible that your original desire will come your way? Sure! Is it guaranteed? Definitely not. But here’s the thing: it won’t matter. Because regardless of how the surface of your life does or doesn’t change, you will have what you want.
What you really want.
The deep stuff.
The good stuff.
The stuff that truly matters.
And the coolest part of all? It’s within you already. Peel back the layers, dissolve the distractions, recognize the decoys. Look inside.
P.S. If the weight loss example was ringing major bells for you, I invite you to look into Health At Every Size. The HAES movement is all about letting go of the focus on weight loss and living a whole and healthy life right now. It’s a beautiful approach that’s backed up with substantial research. I’m a major proponent!
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I recently used a similar inquiry process (from Martha Beck’s book The Joy Diet)to uncover a true desire. I thought I wanted a dress. What I really wanted was beauty. It was so liberating to identify the core yearning. I no longer needed to chase the surface desire (in another town, in the wrong size). I was freed to make beauty that very day with what I already had and to understand that beauty can come every day in many ways. Plus, I’ve identified a basic value, a permanent part of who I am. So I know myself better, and I’m less attached to specific outcomes. Core desires are indeed valuable information.
What a fabulous example of this process in action. So powerful. Thanks for sharing!
Joy — Thank you so much for this post. In the 5 minutes I spent reading and thinking about your email, I’ve realized how unhealthy my desire to lose weight is, and all it took was for me to keep asking “why.” I discovered that I want to lose weight, so that I can fit the traditional image of “pretty” or “sexy”, because deep inside I feel that it is the one thing that has made me special (in my mind, special = lovable). People have historically noticed me for my looks and now that I’m older and heavier I am not getting noticed any more. Combine that with being married and not having many friends, and somewhere my child mind says “lose weight and be special again.” Thank you for letting me see this unrealistic story hiding deep in the dark recesses, so that I can try to find real, healthy ways to earn and keep friends and feel special again!
Wowzas! What a huge insight, Cynthia! Bravo, bravo, bravo! And thanks a bunch for sharing it!
Hi, Joy,
A major aha moment for me when I first started using this tool was when I realized that so many of my surface “desires” are culturally transmitted into my brain, often without my even realizing it. By digging deep, I get past those cultural messages, down to my own true desires. Being able finally to satisfy these desires *is* delicious…like an itch I didn’t know how to scratch before. Thanks for this great tool (which I now use all the time) and all that you do for me. Love having you for my coach!
In a lot of ways, this tool is really about cutting through the social self messages in order to find the essential self messages, isn’t it? And you, my dear, have down profoundly awesome work in this area. Love having YOU as a client! XOXO!
PS Your dance videos make me crazy happy.
Aw, thanks, Cynthia! You’re invited to join me anytime!
When I scratch way down into what I REALLY want, the answer always turns out to be FREEDOM. I just realised it again in doing the process.. Yep, freedom it is! When I get to that conclusion, it feels like there is nothing I would do or be that was not in complete alignment with who I am at the core. And it doesn’t matter who thinks what about me. I really like that! Thanks, Joy. Good to be reminded again. I am going to “feel” what freedom feels like in my body today. YUM!
Oh, YES YES YES! Freedom is a word that often comes out for me, too, in this process. Have fun feeling that freedom vibe today! WOO HOOOOOO!
Joy,
What a great blog. Things I already knew but put so simply and well that it makes me want to use it over and over again. And, use it with clients to if you don’t mind.
Thanks
Hey Margaret! Thanks for this sweet comment. This tool utilizes ancient wisdom for sure — nothing original here! But I do find the format makes it really accessible for me and my clients. Glad you think so, too.
And by all means, use it! I actually thought about putting it in PDF format for that very reason, but just didn’t get around to it.
Joy, this is such a valuable post!! Thank you so much for sharing this exercise with us. I tend to be an indecisive person, and I waver A LOT about my decisions. I feel much better if someone would just make it for me because it can be hard for me to get to the core of what I want. I’ll definitely be using this activity.
I also LOVE that you included an example that underlies HAES. And you have a great way with words and gently explaining big topics.
Hey Margrarita! Oh, yes, this tool is great for working with indecisiveness. Hope it yields some great insights for you. Sending you lots of love!
this sounds very powerful. i look forward to trying it.
Hey Tina! Definitely give it a whirl. I think you’ll have some cool discoveries. XOXO!
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