I first learned to be self-conscious about my eyebrows in fifth grade when a classmate told me I had a uni-brow. Looking back now, I realize that I most definitely did not have a uni-brow. I’m pretty sure he heard that term on television and just thought it was a funny thing to say. I also think he had a crush on me. Of course, none of that really matters. What matters is that I decided that my brows were too much, and I started worrying about them.
It wasn’t until age sixteen that I actually did anything about them, though. (It would probably be more accurate to say that somebody else did something about them.) After getting a haircut, the perky, young stylist said, “Let me do your brows. I’ll do them for free! You’ll LOVE the way they look.”
When she was done (major OUCH), she paraded me around the salon to show off my sleek new look. Everyone oohed and aahed. “Oh, honey! You look soooo much better!” Nobody seemed to mind that there were tiny dots of blood where thick, course hairs had been ripped out of my face.
For the next sixteen years, I continued to wax and/or pluck. When money was tight, I would pluck on my own. When money was flowing, I had a standing appointment with Maria who would lead me to a private room that smelled of rosemary and peppermint and recline me in a white leather chair. (And then pour hot wax on my face and tear out my brow hair by the roots.) It was really quite glamorous.
But this past fall, something shifted for me. One night after washing my face, as I was standing in my bathroom with the tweezers, I let out a huge sigh. I was tired. Specifically, I was tired of messing with my brows. And I suddenly thought, “I don’t want to do this any more.”
I’ve learned (the hard way) to avoid being rigid about these sorts of declarations. I prefer to view decisions like this as experiments. I rarely draw lines in the sand. In that moment, it felt like freedom to stop. That was all I needed to know.
So I stopped.
I let those babies grow free. Hooray! It felt great!
Mostly.
And other times, I was horrified when I looked in the mirror. It was a pretty wild process of regrowth. My natural brows are serious business, and they had been kept under raps for so many years. The hairs returned in thick, random patches. I worried that cashiers and bank tellers and waiters were judging me harshly.
But mostly, I was pleased with my choice. I’m a big believer in being exactly who we are. So, it’s okay for me to be natural in my appearance, right? I’m beautiful just the way God made me, right? Right?
As time went on, the hairs filled in more evenly, and I got used to the new look. Things were still a little wild up there, but I realized that most people don’t give a crap what my brows look like.
About six months after I stopped plucking, I went to get a haircut. At the end, the young, perky stylist said, “Hold on. I’m going to do something FREE for you.” Oh, God. Seriously? She was pulling the old eyebrow trick? (Is this like a drug deal? They think they can get you hooked with that one magical freebie?)
Me: “Oh, no thank you on the eyebrows. I’ve decided to let them be natural.”
Her: Silence. Confusion. And then, “Reeeeeeally?”
Me: “Yep.”
Her: “Well, at least let me clean them up for you!”
Me: “Seriously, no. I’ve decided not to pluck them at all.”
Her: Subtle eye roll. And then, with snark, “Well, you’re doing a really good job with that.”
I felt a wash of shame. In a defensive tone I said, “I think I’m beautiful just the way I am.”
With that, she apologized for bringing it up (probably trying to salvage her chance of a good tip and a repeat customer) and escorted me to the front desk.
When the ordeal was over and I was safe inside my car, I cried. Maybe that seems a little silly, but the experience brought up a lot of dirt for me. It pushed my body image buttons. It pushed my “not-good-enough” buttons.
When the dust settled on that experience, I was left with an important insight: All human beings should be free to make their own choices about their appearance without being judged.
The truth is that I have a long history of judging others harshly for their personal grooming and style choices. I’ve had many-a-hearty laugh poking fun at the "hideous" mullet the lady at Walmart was sporting, or the "tacky" dolphin tie the preacher was wearing, or the "too tight" floral pants the neighbor was wearing on her morning walk.
I know I’m not alone with this nasty little habit. And up until recently, it seemed harmless.
Well, let me tell you, it's not harmless. Not if I’m serious about changing the standard of beauty. Not if I’m serious about helping women heal their body image issues. Not if I want to live in a world where I can stop coloring my hair, enjoy my 42 inch hips, and have natural eyebrows without being questioned or criticized. Not if I truly believe the things I say I believe.
I’ve made a conscious effort since that most recent day at the salon to stop judging the choices people make about their personal appearance. I’m still learning and growing with it. I'm still building my awareness and dissolving the old patterns. But I can tell you that it feels really, really good to be making the effort.
Bottom line: it’s not my business.
From hairy armpits to breast implants, none of it is my business unless they are MY hairy armpits or breast implants.
Oh, and a couple of weeks ago, I started plucking my brows again. Not anywhere close to what I used to do. Just a little bit around the edges every now and again. But really? It’s none of your business.
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Beautifully expressed, Joy. I agree that our judgment isn’t harmless– for other people or for ourselves. Thanks for the eloquent reminder!
Aw, Rosie, so cool to have you over here! Thanks for this lovely comment.
There are times in my life where I am completely at peace with myself and although those times are very short … I find that I accept EVERYBODY. Armpits, boobs, mullets and all. Its actually nice to see people being different.
Then there are times that I am not ok with who I am and dont feel good enough. THOSE are the times where I nitpick about everyone and everything.
Its clear that I am reflecting my insecurity on someone else.
The good thing is, I got a taste of how its like to be someone that is truly accepting of everyone and everything including myself and I strive to be that person as much as I can.
I also realized that now i TRULY believe that when someone judges you its because they are judging themselves!
Your post was really inspiring and re-created a bit of awareness about when I make judgements about people
Oh, yes! Thank you for bringing this out. It’s so true that our judgements, at the core, are always about our own insecurities. So important to be aware of this!
Nice blog, Joy. As a former hairy armpit and hairy legged woman, it is difficult to accept ourselves just as we are. It took me years to feel comfortable with my non-conforming hairs. I, too, have since started “taming my wild hairs” so to speak, and I’m ok with that, too.
I hear you, baby. It’s all good — wild or tame.
This is such a moving post! How wonderful that you stood up for your right to be the way you wanted to be — and not let another’s concept of beauty make your decisions for you. And I think it is so wonderful that you actually said “I think I’m beautiful just the way I am”. I bet you made an impression on the stylist — hopefully she is more considerate and aware in the future. And hopefully it has allowed her to expand her narrow view of the world
PJ´s last [type] ..Grey day
Thank you! What a sweet comment! I hadn’t really considered that I might have a planted a little positive seed for the stylist. What an empowering thought!
Brilliant as usual! I have some unruly eyebrows myself and can totally relate to what you said. I still pluck, but not diligently, so I often feel self-conscious about the “unplucked” hairs that “everyone” must be noticing. I love how you pointed out that we have to let all the body snark go if we’re really up for changing standards of beauty. I’m definitely guilty of snarking at times and appreciate your challenge to let that go.
Anna Guest-Jelley´s last [type] ..When Your Doctor Makes You Feel Fat
Thank you, sweet Anna! The snarking is so easy to do. It’s definitely been a way I’ve bonded with girlfriends over the years… and it’s such a part of mainstream media. I used to LOVE watching the show “What Not to Wear” but now it turns my stomach because I feel like it’s all about telling people they aren’t enough. There’s a lot of shaming going on with the whole makeover mentality in general. Sorry, that was a tangent, but your comments always get my brain working!
I so agree with you on the ‘fun’ little judgments and laughs at the expense of others that seem like no big deal. They are such a big deal.
It speaks about what we really believe in and who we are at the core.
I want people to be themselves, without apology or fear. Just as I want it for myself.
Melissa Anderson´s last [type] ..International No Diet Day
Yup yup yup. I know. It’s the whole golden rule thing, yo?
(But seriously, what is UP with her hair?)
Oh, Joy!
WE never quite realized how a like we were while growing up!!!
Being in the cosmetic business and as an esthetician for about 5 years, I have to tell you that I have had to deal with this situation myself! YOUR side of the situation!
While I was working on cosmetic counters, I was CONSTANTLY asked why I didn’t tweeze my brows and the truth was that I had never really thought about it. Even though the line of work I was in is very high maintenance line of work…I am NOT high maintenance! I was actually forced –this was before I had a backbone– to sit in a chair while my ‘friends’ took turns tweezing (torturing!) my for over an hour! And I let them do this once a month! And they tweezed them to pencil thin lines that were hideous!
Yes, I still keep them trimmed, but now it is my choice — but I get them waxed, not tweezed hair by excruciating hair! I do not; however, keep them pencil thin! I figure, God gave me thick brows for a reason ( the reason being I have a large head and large features, so WHY would I tweeze my brows fit for a Smurf??) So, now I am peacefully and willingly sporting the 1980’s Brooke Shields eyebrow look!
Way to go, Joy, for being okay with yourself and still being okay to cry about it!! Remember: we all make our OWN choices and we have to/get to live with them.…and we still retain the right to change our minds and cry about them!!!! We ARE girls! LOL!
Hey baby! How fun to see your name in the comment thread! Wow, how fascinating about your experiences in the industry. Thanks for sharing this!
Go, Joyous, go!
And when you’re butch like me? People don’t BOTHER to offer to fix anything! LOL!!
HA HA HA HA! God, I love you.
Well, this post speaks the truth (as usual) and the comments are so “right on”.
Now, from the over-6o perspective—-if you wait long enough, you won’t HAVE any eyebrows to pluck and the ones you do have are all in their starched grey uniforms and standing at attention.
And I don’t mess with them unless they are thick enough and stiff enough to hang a Christmas ornament on or unless I worry that I might impale someone on one of them. So just hang on and you won’t have to worry (for the most part) about what to pluck!
Oh, Jean, you have such a gift for putting things into perspective. (And for making me laugh my ass off!)
Val pretty much said I what I was going to say
I am grateful to understand that it is a practice and that I can do better!
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..The World Peace Diet
For sure. I’m grateful for that understanding, too.
Nicely done, Joy. What a wonderfully honest, truly transparent, absolutely awesome post!
And I think we all teach each other, every day, when we have the courage to be ourselves. Brava, honey!
As Martha would say, I respectfully do not care what you do with your eyebrows. Happy just to see your beautiful face in any form.
Love to you…
Thank you, Christa. Love to YOU!
We speak a funny language; we say “personal choice” but that’s rarely what is meant. Often it feels more like personal choice if it’s ok with everybody else! Nice Joy, your word was ‘eyebrows’ but I can replace it with whatever my word is.
Excellent point! Thanks for the comment, Catherine!
You go girl!!!!! I am so glad you said something! Its unfortunate we have to explain why we do or do not do things. It simply is OUR body and we can do as we please. It says something larger about society and norms and how people are too comfortable with a standard idealized beauty. Which is hogwash. As you said, being authentic, making your own choices, and being true to ourselves is beautiiful
Thank you, Kendra! I am so thankful to be connected to so many amazing women like YOU who really get this! It makes it so much easier to learn and grow and find my way.
This post is so timely…partly because I just had an eyebrow experience and gave in and had them done..and I’m ok with that, but I’m also ok with not having them done…also, about 5 yrs ago I decided to stop coloring my hair, and since I’ve grown it long, I have a “friend” who always comments on my gray..and how I should color it…I recently told her I don’t care what she thinks, and that I’m ok with it…it a very pleasant way though…but lastly the part about judging others..I was thinking to myself recently how I don’t want to be judged,especially about my appearance, and how I had to stop making those judgments also…and how hard it can be to change habits/behaviors..I guess it just take practice..
Toni´s last [type] ..Bon Voyage!
Yep… practice, practice, practice.
And of course, always with a gentle touch. I have to laugh at myself sometimes because my efforts to not judge others often turns into me beating myself up because I’ve fallen back into the habit of judging others! HA! So, I try to keep things light… we’re all doing the best we can. 
so how young are we when we start judging others?? ella (age 5 1/2) recently cut off ALL and i do mean all of her hair with a pair of childrens scissors! when i first discovered what she had done i literally lost my breath. but after a minute i realized how her big, beautiful blue eys were shining and how gorgeous she was. so, after the discussion of proper use of scissors and asking permission/assistance from adults, etc…she started asking if i thought she was still pretty, if she looked like a boy, if i was mad etc…we had a big talk about true beauty and being who God created us to be and she was as confident as ever…until her BFF from school (also 5 1/2) told her she looked prettier with long hair! is this a parent commenting to her child about what ella had done or is this the judgement of a 5 1/2 year old mind? our judgemental glances, words, and actions do not go un-noticed by those we influence the most.
This reminds me of Tina Fey saying her daughter preferred her blonde doll to the brown haired doll at a really young age — like 2 or 3 — and would say the blonde doll was prettier! I don’t think there’s anyway those preferences and judgements are born in children. I just think the messages are so pervasive that unless we keep our kids totally isolated, they seep in.
Also, you are an AMAZING mother.
Also, on a totally unrelated note, I miss you tons.
I was blessed with decent eye brows but cursed with crazy thick chin hair.
The first day I went to have it waxed (last August) I sobbed on the aesthetician’s chair. She told me it wasn’t anyone’s business what I did with myself, but the next time someone made a hurtful comment I was supposed to look at them with my best Nordstrom’s saleswoman look (are they supposed to be snooty? I rarely go into that store) and say “What’s your point.” The other person will either have to admit they were a jerk or shut up.
I’ve also found they easier someone comments about other people’s appearance, the more uncomfortable they are with their own. So I’ve taken to, every time I have a judgy thought, try to figure out where I’m coming from.
Oh and I’m probably never ever going to dye my grey hair. At this point, its just going to be a shock when I stop so I might as well rock the grey.
Wow — your aesthetician ROCKS!
And I’m with you on the gray hair. I colored my hair for fun in my 20s, but now I’m really enjoying my grey “highlights.” It’s fun to watch the transition!
You have made me think very hard about my critical self… I have been less critical lately, probably because I’m so much more accepting of myself.
I have my eyebrows waxed and tinted and it really makes a difference for me. I also religiously pluck my chin hair. But the hair on my head? Wash and wear baby, with no color anymore. For years I colored and hi-lighted my hair, but as I learned more and more about the chemicals in our daily lives, I became loath to color my hair. In the beginning people would comment, calling me “washed out”, but now I’m actually quite happy with my hair color. A few months ago my cleaning lady dropped my hairdryer on the parquet floor and it broke. I decided not to replace it. So, now I just run my fingers through my wet hair in the morning and off I go.
Hanlie´s last [type] ..Creating Instead of Reacting
I LOVE that you just let the hairdryer go. So badass.
YES!
So true. I have found, in my own journey of trying to be more accepting of myself, a realization of how critical I am of others. Maybe I was being so hard on myself it spilled over onto being hard on others– or maybe it’s the other way around– I’m still trying to figure it out.
I don’t feel like it’s fair to be judged by others and I need to hold myself accountable as well. By being more gentle with others, maybe it will spill over onto myself? Or– the other way around.
Ha! It really is a chicken or egg sort of thing, eh? I’m thinking it works both ways…
Love it Joy…and love you! You are such a beautiful butterfly. We miss you!
Thank you so much, Linda. Love you and miss you, too!
Joy, I just wanted to say that you are such a gifted writer. What a pleasure to read such honest, skillful writing. I especially loved the paralleling of two perky, young stylists: same challenges, same questions, same opportunities — but different Joy. Wonderful in every way! Thank you!!!
I’m blushing, Kate! That compliment means so much coming from you. Thank you, my friend.
I love, love, love this post! I think I needed this, especially in this summer time where everybody is suppose to be beach ready and perfect… I also have a unibrow, and started plucking them as a teen. But for me, it ended up in OCD,in the form of trichotillomania. I was obsess about it, and I prefered to have huge scars and barely no brows instead of leaving one particular hair that I thought should not have been there. It expended on my legs, bikini…and 16 years later, lots of permanent scars on legs and brows. But I have decided it was enough. That I was enough and could at least try to love myself. And for the first time, I have wore shorts, and so far, nobody have commented about my ugly legs… so apparently, like so many of us, I am more harsh and full of judgment about myself than other are about me…
Mylene´s last [type] ..Time to let go
Oh, Mylene, thank you so much for sharing your story. And BRAVO to you for deciding that you are enough. BEAUTIFUL.
Joy,
Excellent story. Drives the point home. While I was a male model that was forced out of the business as my weight got out of control (BED), it doesn’t mean I can’t make the mistake that others have no doubt made as the viewed me.
Nice job!
Thanks
Ron Saxen´s last [type] ..Eating Disorders and Weight Loss– Risking Beauty
Totally, Rob. Thanks so much for this comment! It’s great to hear from you!