In 2010 I learned what it really means to "feel my feelings." This process was (and continues to be) complex, beautiful, healing, life-giving, and utterly fascinating. Here are my top ten insights:
1. Feelings express themselves in the body - not the mind. If your mind is spinning out of control, telling lots of stories, creating lots of drama, you are thinking not feeling. When I'm truly feeling my feelings, my mind is still - even blank.
2. Feelings ebb and flow. They rise and fall. They catch and release. It's just what they do. The fear that an uncomfortable feeling will grip onto us and never let go is irrational. So is the hope that we can grab onto a feeling we perceive as positive, like happiness, and make it stay forever.
3. Feelings are meant to be experienced, expressed, and released. When we attempt to fight off or ignore our feelings, we create anxiety and/or depression. Our immune systems weaken. Our muscles constrict. We get sick.
4. The first step to truly feeling a feeling is getting very still and very quiet. Feelings can't be truly felt while watching television, checking Facebook, eating a snack... or, really while we're doing anything other than being still and quiet.
5. Labeling feelings as "negative" and "positive" is unhelpful. All of our feelings have purpose - something to teach us. We can't function properly without a full range of feelings, so they are all good.
6. There is usually a physical response when a feeling expresses and releases. Sometimes, it's tears. Sometimes a deep sigh. Sometimes laughter. Sometimes a sensation of muscle relaxation. The physical response may surprise you and not seem to directly correlate to the feeling. For example, sadness might express and release through laughter. It's important not to judge this. The body knows best.
7. Crying doesn't necessarily mean we are feeling our feelings. Sometimes we cry because we are in our heads (not our bodies), telling painful stories and creating drama. Sometimes we cry because of the suffering we've created by trying to avoid our feelings. I've found that when I'm crying as a way to experience and express feelings, there is a sweetness, cleanness, and purity to it. It doesn't feel like a temper tantrum.
8. Learning to feel our feelings is like developing a muscle. If that muscle is weak (and it probably is), don't expect to suddenly be able to feel every single feeling, every day. Just try to feel one a day. Afterward, you'll likely feel tired. That's normal. Give yourself permission to just do a little at first, and build up slowly.
9. Being supremely kind and gentle is key. This is a tender, vulnerable process. If resistance comes up to feeling a particular feeling, I've found it's best to simply notice the resistance with curiosity, without forcing or pushing past it. When the time is right, the wall will come down.
10. Learning to feel feelings is well worth the time and attention required. It connects us to our deepest, most authentic selves. It heals us. It brings us to life. It strengthens our ability to have meaningful connections with other people. It opens us up to living more joyful lives.
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So helpful at the moment. After a break up I tried to stuff everything down. But now Im just letting myself be in the feeling of grief and sadness when it comes up. The more I feel it, the quicker it passes!
So glad this was timely for you, Nina! Yes — the more you feel it full on, the sooner it will dissipate. Thanks a bunch for coming over and commenting. XXOO!
Thank you for posting it! This too Shall Pass!
Nina´s last [type] ..Binge Eating Treatments Using the Power of Manifestation
This is an excellent post! I had an ah-ha moment recently regarding crying and am writing a blog post of my own about it…I am definitely going to link to this post because you captured it perfectly here!
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..What If Both Things Are True Either Way I’m In Awe
Oooh! I can’t wait to read your post, Karen. I’m totally intrigued!
Another excellent post, Joy! I love how you explain this process as requiring kindness and gentleness. I believe Anne Lamott wrote something about learning to treat herself as she would a beloved elderly grandparent. I’ve always appreciated that image, which seems full of warmth and expansive time.
Anna Guest-Jelley´s last [type] ..Living Wholeheartedly
Thanks, Anna! And how cool that you mentioned Anne Lamott, because I meant to put one of my favorite Lamott quotes in this post and then forgot! Here’s the quote:
“If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.” — Anne Lamott
Such wonderful insights! For me #5 has always been very important; it made sense that when I was labeling certain emotions as “bad” or “wrong,” I was running away from them. I couldn’t sit with them until I learned that they existed for a good reason. My therapist always encouraged me to call an emotion “uncomfortable” rather than “bad” or “negative.”
YES! I agree — “uncomfortable” is a label I prefer, too. And I’ve found that my so-called positive emotions can also feel uncomfortable, which is interesting.
wow Joy, how is it you are always able to give me a “AHA!” moment exactly when I need one?
You are amazing, thank you for caring so much.
Love,
DeAnne
Oh, DeAnne, what a lovely comment to read. Thank YOU. Much love!
What truly amazes me is how we go through life having to figure all this out ourselves and how long it takes! How is it that no one talks about this stuff? We need Feelings and Thoughts 101!!
Susan — I KNOW! It’s bizarre, isn’t it? My hunch is that we are born with the right instincts to do this stuff, but we get all cluttered up along the way. So the process is kind of an un-learning of the junk. Maybe?
Hell yeah! Remember my whole page long rant on Joy’s blog about needed a ‘welcome to you life’ type course? I wholeheartedly agree with you — both of you.
Melissa Anderson´s last [type] ..10 truths…
Excellent post, Joy!
I do hope you’ll elaborate on #4! It’s my greatest difficulty. It’s so hard to simply stand still, let the waters of thought calm down and quietly listen. But it’s the only way to hear our inner voice, isn’t it?
Oh YES, Julie. It my greatest difficulty, too. I wish I had more to say at this point, but all I can say is that it’s a daily practice and an ongoing challenge. I consider any small moment of stillness a huge success, even if it’s just stopping for a few seconds and taking one deep breath. I promise to write more about it as I grow with it!
I’ll be waiting!
But really, the quest for a calm, responsive and not reactive mind is a lifelong one. You said it yourself on your post about numbing out — awareness is like a muscle. I couldn’t agree more! Several practices are known to help. What they have in common? All of them are simple. All of them take a long time to master (and maybe “to master” isn’t a verb that really applies here, unless you’re an awesome yogi or an uber monk!). So what can we do? Share tips on how to overcome the obstacles along the way, methods, ideas… And? Get started, of course.
100% YES!
I absolutely love this post Joy. Totally brimming with so much useful information and in a way that people (like me!) can actually understand and use.
Melissa Anderson´s last [type] ..10 truths…
Thanks, baby. These were all hard-fought lessons for me… and I’m still working with it. It felt good to share it.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ann Calhoun, Joy Tanksley. Joy Tanksley said: New on Being Joy — Ten Insights on Feeling Your Feelings http://ow.ly/3H73Z […]
Thanks so much, Joy. I just love this post! I’ve shared it with my Facebook friends, too.
Blessings to you!
Nikki
Hey sweet Nikki! Thanks a bunch for sharing the link. And blessings right back atcha!
I really appreciate your insights! At first I wasn’t sure I agreed with your first point, but the more I think about it, I believe you’re right. When the mind is racing, it’s thinking about the issues, but it’s not really addressing the feelings…it’s creating a whirlwind that distracts from addressing them!
Allie´s last [type] ..One year ago today…
Well, you know, I could certainly be wrong. I’m definitely open to that! It’s a tricky thing, because obviously our mind and body are working together — it’s not like we can really separate the two. But it does help me to think of feelings as being IN the body.
[…] my friend, fellow blogger and amazing life coach Joy Tanklsey points out here, “sometimes we cry because of the suffering we’ve created by trying to avoid our […]
This is such an important and helpful post, Joy. Thank you.
Megan @ ascension blog´s last [type] ..Rooster Essence
Thanks, Megan. It definitely felt good to write this one.
Joy, what a beautiful and insightful post! It’s interesting because I tend to think in positive and negative feelings, as well. I guess my thoughts on feelings are very black and white. I like Katie’s therapist’s suggestion to call certain feelings “uncomfortable.” That’s way more helpful.
I just in general don’t let myself experience my feelings all the time. Being still for me can feel like torture. It’s funny but when I’m in yoga class, we meditate for about 20 minutes, and I just can’t stand it. My thoughts are like shooting stars, if shooting stars happened every second.
It’s something I clearly need to work on. But this post was wonderful for me to read.
Thank you!
Margarita @ Weightless´s last [type] ..Essential Body Image Questions To Ask Yourself
Oh, man. I know exactly what you mean about the torture of sitting still. I’ve had some definite times of struggle with meditation. I took a mindfulness meditation course a few years back and we were supposed to practice 45 minutes per day. That’s when I first realized I had some issues with feeling my feelings because I seriously felt like I was going to pop right out of my skin every time I tried to be still! It does get better with practice… and I’ve learned now that starting with 45 minutes per day isn’t necessary and probably wasn’t the kindest, gentlest way for me to begin! Seriously — one minute of stillness is a very good place to start!
Thanks for that, Joy! You described it perfectly when you said popping right of your skin. That’s so me! You’re spot-on in saying that meditation and mindfulness are skills. I like the idea of practicing one minute of stillness a day. That sounds lovely, instead of torturous.
Margarita @ Weightless´s last [type] ..Essential Body Image Questions To Ask Yourself
And it is all about feeling our feelings, isn’t it? If we can do that, we can do anything…
Thanks for everything you do, Joy.
Namaste…
I think you’re right. Being present — fully experiencing life — that’s the whole thing. Much love to you, Christa!
Joy, I just found your site, thanks to a friend. It is great — such profound insight. Thank you. I noticed that all of those who have replied are women. I have a theory about that.
As females , most of us were taught (or observed) that we should be passive, certainly not express anger or disappointment, not be too excited ‚or unhappy . The idea was to be “a good girl” — don’t make trouble and don’t ask for anything. In other words, “Don’t be a problem”. So we (I) learned to stuff feelings to the extent that I couldn’t even identify what I was feeling anymore. As you said, I became numb. I stuffed with food — it was legal and you didn’t have to carry it out in a brown paper bag. I’ve had remarkable recovery from overeating with the help of a 12 step program, but I still have difficulty feeling the feelings. Much of the time I have a feeling of general anxiety — can’t really define it. #4 was especially helpful , but all are so valuable. Thank you again. Gratefully, Ann
Well hello, my new friend! Thanks so much for coming over and adding this lovely, insightful comment. Much love and light to you!
Hello Joy
I came across your blog by chance and it spoke to me…I instantly connected with you AND your blog. I love your writing and WHAT you have expressed on these pages…it is truly motivating and inspirational.
I feel we are both on a similar journey…so I hope we can make a connection.
All the best with everything!
Mika
Hey there, Mika! It’s great to meet you and thank you so much for this kind comment. I hope you’ll stick around… I look forward to connecting with you!