My fabulous blogger friend Karen C.L. Anderson is hosting this month’s Self Discovery Word by Word Blogger Series and has selected a profoundly challenging word: vulnerability.
As I’ve been pondering this word, I’ve come to the conclusion that vulnerability isn’t a choice. We are all vulnerable. Every single one of us. Try as we might to shield ourselves from harm, loss, and pain, not one of us is guaranteed even another moment without facing the inevitable valleys of life. In a flash, any one of us could lose a loved one. Any one of us could be diagnosed with cancer. Any one of us could have our worst fears come true.
I met a man on a plane earlier this week who shared with me the story of losing four precious pets in just eight short months. The first pet was quite old, and died of natural causes. A few months later, his other two dogs, a mother and daughter, were both diagnosed with aggressive bone cancer. And then, a few months after losing them, he decided to get another dog. Just days after bringing the sweet boxer puppy home, she wriggled out of her collar and sprinted into the street. “Everything happened so fast,” he said. “I can still hear the sound of her being hit.”
This is what I mean when I say vulnerability isn’t a choice. It really isn’t. Control is an illusion. The choice we have is not whether or not we will be vulnerable, but whether or not we will accept our vulnerability.
Most of us don’t choose acceptance. Instead, we spend our lives fighting against reality. Fighting against our vulnerability creates a life that is stressful, clenched up, constricted, closed off. It is a life of overeating, over-drinking, overexercising, overworking, and under-loving. When you fight vulnerability, you say:
- I won’t commit to you because I’m scared of getting hurt.
- I’d rather work a job I hate than risk failing at a job I love.
- I will live in the past because living in the present is too uncertain.
- I would rather feel anxiety than joy because joy is fleeting and fragile.
- There isn’t enough money, food, time, or love.
- It’s terrifying to be still and quiet, so I will keep myself stimulated and distracted.
On the other hand, accepting vulnerability creates a life that is open, relaxed, expansive, and full of meaning. When you lean into your vulnerability rather than run from it, you say:
- I prefer a heart broken into a thousand throbbing pieces to a heart that’s frozen and numb.
- It’s better to stumble toward my dreams than to to be stuck doing work that feels empty.
- I will live in the present because it is the only place I can truly live.
- I love the awkward, complicated, and painfully beautiful collage that’s created when I experience all my emotions.
- There is always enough of everything I need.
- In the still, quiet spaces of my life, I find peace that transcends pain.
P.S. If you haven't watched Brené Browns's talk at TEDxHouston, it's seriously not to be missed. She shares some powerful insights on vulnerability that will rock your world.
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All I can say is yes. Exactly. 100%.
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..The Word For November– Vulnerability
Thanks for choosing such a great word, Karen.
Beautiful Joy! My thoughts exactly.
Ashley @ Nourishing the Soul´s last [type] ..The illusion of control Self-Discovery– Word by Word
I know! When I saw the title of your post yesterday, I just had to laugh!
Oh … my. I had never …
I love this. I really do.
So glad this connected for you, Em. And thanks for commenting!
This post brings me back to the serenity prayer, which I still find meaningful even though it’s so common now. I have spent so much time fighting my own reality, fighting the things that I cannot change, pretending that vulnerability IS a choice or something that I can avoid if I just keep my guard up enough. A beautiful reminder that for better or worse, all lives include vulnerability. When we harness the power of it by accepting it or leaning into it (love that phrasing!), we are then able to fully live.
I’m with you. The serenity prayer is great, no matter how overused. Thanks for this lovely comment, Katie.
Many of us have no choice but to be vulnerable and exposed every single day. It often yields pain, but occasionally brings the most beautiful treasures into our lives–the moments that make life worth living.
Mmmmm… thank you for this addition, my dear. Thank you.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Christie Inge and Dr. Ashley Solomon, Joy Tanksley. Joy Tanksley said: Can we choose whether or not to be vulnerable? http://ow.ly/37rFL […]
[…] Vulnerability Isn’t a Choice at Being Joy […]
Great post! In the short term, prentending that we have control over things feels better. But in the long-term, closing ourselves from loving relationships, meaningful work, etc. because we’re afraid of getting hurt actually hurts us more. Thanks for sharing!
Heather Whistler´s last [type] ..Love– Mental Illness– and Vulnerability
Hey Heather! Thanks for reading and commenting. Love and light to you!
Wow, Joy, this is just incredible. I’m constantly learning from you. You’re seriously such an inspiration (and a beautiful writer)!
This really got me: “The choice we have is not whether or not we will be vulnerable, but whether or not we will accept our vulnerability.”
I never thought about it that way at all. I’m that person who spends her time distracting, pushing and trying not to feel. This has become so natural to me, and I really have to make an effort to be any different, but it’s important. I keep re-reading the part about accepting your vulnerability and that sounds mighty fine to me!
Margarita @ Weightless´s last [type] ..Demystifying Anorexia & Family-Based Treatment– Part 2 with Harriet Brown
Oh, Margarita, thanks for the kind words. And I totally agree with you about accepting vulnerability sounding “mighty fine”! Accepting vulnerability is scary but also such a huge relief!
I have always fought life tooth and nail, mostly around weight issues. Then, getting older, I realized fighting is futile—- and aging, with all its little and big surprises, is like a war with way too many fronts to cover. I still try (old habits die hard) but with much less conviction that I can really control anything. I can’t say I like having to admit that it is really out of my hands—–I will always do what I can to stay as healthy as possible. But, really, there are so many surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant, that you can’t, ultimately, control anything. And, looking back, I realize that the best things that happened were totally out of my control and some even looked like bad things at the time.
What a great point — that it’s not just bad things that are out of our control, but also the most amazing serendipities. And many of those don’t look like blessings at the time. What a complicated, fascinating world, huh?
too funny. I saw the title of the post and got the link all ready to send you…of Brene Brown’s talk. A friend sent it on Monday and it’s been echoing in my head ever since. The other words from it are “connection” and “worthiness”…love love love it.
TOO FUNNY. We’re all connected — one big thread! I love Brene — it’s been awesome to watch her video go viral. It keeps popping up from all these different people on FB and Twitter. Her work is amazing, and I’m so glad it’s getting shared so enthusiastically. Check out her blog at http://www.ordinarycourage.com if you haven’t already. And I HIGHLY recommend her new book — The Gifts of Imperfection. The TedTalk was kind of a summary of the book.
I can see more than one of us was inspired by Brene Brown this Fall. My article in November’s Silver & Grace newsletter was my take on vulnerability, springing from Brene’s book.
You put an interesting spin on it not being about vulnerability so much, as being about an issue of control. In the end, we try to control so much that cracks appear in the dam, then KABOOM, control totally cracks no matter how much we try plugging the holes.
Far less exhausting to not even attempt the control and just give over to vulnerability. And in the end WAY more joyful.
Eliza´s last [type] ..Not My Grandmother
RIGHT ON, my friend!
[…] * I found this fantastic video of Brené Brown’s talk on Joy’s beautiful post on vulnerability. […]
This is really profound. Vulnerability isn’t a choice. We are all vulnerable. I think if we do have a choice its whether or not we “attempt” to control it. Which is really quite interesting because you can tell when someone is vulnerable and trying to cover it up with a sense of control over their emotions.
Some of the insights you have shared here are going to have to sit with me for a while so I can truly comprehend the depth of their meaning.
Thank you =)
Hey there! Thanks for commenting! I totally agree with you that you can tell when someone is trying to cover up vulnerability. Very interesting, indeed.
[…] Joy @ Being Joy ~ Vulnerability Isn’t A Choice […]