Just in case you didn't know, the holiday season is here. Facebook is abuzz with pumpkin pie recipe sharing and photo uploads of Christmas trees. The stores are decorated in red and green (and have been since before Halloween), and every other commercial on television is reminding you that you better get your gift shopping done NOW.
I'm a big fan of this time of year. I love celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas. I like the lights, the music, the food, the gift-giving, and the general festive atmosphere. But I'll admit that sometimes I get caught up in my holiday to-do list and find myself stressed out, cranky, and exhausted in the month of December. I'm always so disappointed when this happens, because I know in my heart that's not what the season (or life, for that matter) is about.
I know I'm not alone in this. So many of us, despite the fact that we truly love this time of year, get totally wrapped up in obligations, pressure, and perfectionism, and we totally miss out on the spirit of the holiday season.
I'm convinced that our holiday stress is a function of letting the social self completely take over our lives during the holidays. In her must-read book, Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck introduces the concept of essential self and social self, and understanding this distinction has helped me tremendously in pretty much all areas of my life.
The social self is "shaped by cultural norms and expectations." It's the part of you that desperately wants to fit in. The social self seeks approval at any cost. Your essential self, on the other hand, is made up of your "characteristic desires, preferences, emotional reactions, and involuntary physiological responses, bound together by an overall sense of identity." Your essential self is that core part of you that's truly YOU - your passions, your desires, your unique likes and dislikes. Your essential self isn't interested in making other people happy. Your essential self simply wants to be herself.
So think for a minute about what it would be like to let your essential self steer the ship this holiday season. I'm not saying your social self is bad - it's a part of you that serves a purpose. The problem is that most of us let our social selves totally rule our lives, while we keep our essential selves hidden away. I've found that I'm much more fulfilled, healthy, and sane when I let my essential self take the lead, with the social self standing on the sidelines giving tips every now and then.
Here are a few holiday choices that your social self would like you to make:
- Attend every party you're invited to.
- Purchase gifts for your family members, friends, neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances, and arch enemies.
- Cook and decorate like Martha Stewart, even if you don't particularly enjoy cooking or decorating.
- Act happy all the time.
The essential self, on the other hand, might make these choices:
- Only attend parties that sound totally fun and delightful.
- Purchase meaningful gifts for the people you love. Or don't.
- Cook if you love to cook. Decorate if you love to decorate. And do it your way.
- Stay rooted in an essential state of joy (not the same thing as happiness), while inviting all your emotions to the table.
I, for one, have to decided to have myself a merry little essential-self holiday. How about you? If this sounds enticing, I have something for you that might help. I put together a mini-coaching class called To Make the Season Bright, Let Your Heart Be Light. It's a fifteen minute audio download + companion worksheet where I coach you through a simple process that will help you align your choices with your essential self this season. To request this FREE gift ('cause I love you) just fill out the form below. And check the box to receive my Joy Journey Newsletter while you're at it - it'll come to your email inbox box every Monday morning and always contains a short inspirational video message from moi!
Here's to letting our essential selves shine brighter than any light display ever will!
To Make the Season Bright, Let Your Heart Be Light
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Joy, I haven’t been able to listen to the audio download yet, but I looked at the companion worksheet and am very excited to go through it with your guidance!
Also, I’m very intrigued by these concepts of essential and social selves. This may be a bit of a stretch, but I’m wondering if it could help me describe my experience of knowing some deep truth (example: I am worthy just as I am) and yet not feeling it completely in my heart, not feeling the peace that true acceptance brings. Perhaps my essential self believes it, but I’m not feeling it because I’m too wrapped up in my social self. Perhaps my social self is obscuring my own truth, or interfering with my ability to really feel what my essential self already knows.
I don’t know if that made any sense at all. But I’ve struggled for a long time with how to describe this idea, and I’m wondering if the notion of essential versus social self could be the missing link.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self´s last [type] ..Lessons in Being Supportive– An Interview with My Husband
Katie — YES. I totally get what you’re saying, and I think this is a big part of why we have that conflict. The social self operates based on fear of consequences, so it is the place where most of our negative thinking comes from. When the essential self says, “You are worthy just as you are,” the social self counters with, “But what will other people think?” and “Make sure you don’t get too big for your britches!” and “If you accept yourself fully you might never exercise again!” It helps me so much to recognize these as social self thoughts. I make VERY few decisions based on my social self these days. I basically only listen to her when she’s keeping me from getting arrested…
I tried last year to make it a more peaceful, less frantic, ‘hurry-lets buy gifts for everyone on the planet time’. I funded loans through Kiva in the name of most of the adults on the list. Bought only for the kids and a select few adults. I was the Christmas pariah. Actually was called a scrooge. And I didnt care. Well, not true, I was hurt that no one got it, that my actions were misunderstood. I felt good about my choices, about trying to get back to the ‘reason for the season’, instead of trying to impress everyone with stuff they dont need bought with money I could use somewhere else, to do some actual good.
But I find myself dreading this season, I dont want to buy meaningless gifts for people who dont care if I exist the rest of the year. I dont want to send cards to people I met once a few thousand years ago. But I dont want to be the cause for strife in the family either. I try to teach my son to value the real things, life, family friends, and buying into this bullshit of gifting everyone is directly in opposition to that ideal. I guess I just have to stand up and take the knocks, and do what I know is right.
Oh, DeAnne, I hear you. So all those concerns about what other people will think and how they will feel are coming straight from your social self. I would invite you to make choices that feel delightful and delicious to YOU and to really let go of what other people might think. It’s tricky, because if you assume everyone is going to think you’re a grinch this year, and you make your decisions with an air of defensiveness, you will probably end up putting off “grinchy” energy. You know what I mean? If you can do your thing joyfully, without needing anyone to “get it” or understand, you might be surprised at how others react. I know that’s easier said than done, though! At any rate, I applaud you for making those bold choices last year.
I do plan to do the same, I am just not looking forward to feeling like I have to defend my choices or point of view to people that dont ‘get it’ that its my choice, not theirs. I appreciate you being my cheerleader, you are awesome at it!
Thanks, Joy!
I have been paring down the holidays — Christmas, mostly — for a few years now. It is still a little scary sometimes, but I have found a lot more openness for true emotion and the time to focus on giving to those I really want to give to… this year, the family that helps us with our yard, our house and our dog. I want to make a difference to those who make a difference in our lives all year. And we have increased our charitable giving all year, which feels right and good.
I get what Deanne is saying, but would encourage people to do what they feel is right for them anyway. If some of us don’t start, who knows where things would end up!
So this year, for the first time, no tree and a long trip to Spain! I’ll let you know if the Holiday Police come and take me away!
And I am so thankful for you and your writing, Joy!
WOW! A trip to Spain? How very cool! Definitely let us know how that goes!
XXOO!
Cool, Joy.
For Christmas I have decided to …
only give simple gifts; not visit my hometown which has perpetual overcast skies that depress me this time of year; keep breathing; and most of all, take advantage of your mini-coaching class on the subject. Shweet!
GOOD FOR YOU! Rock on, baby!
Though it never seems to get to me in a negative way, most people see me as pretty childish and immature around the holidays (well.….. not just the holidays…). I’m obsessed with those old, really bad claymation and stop-motion movies like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or a Charlie Brown Christmas. (Have you ever counted the branches on the tree Charlie picks out? It ranges from three branches to seven throughout the film.) I love strings of colored lights. It takes me an hour to pick out the perfect tree. This year I want to make a gingerbread house from scratch. I bake and decorate cookies to give to everyone. I’ll be listening to Christmas music on my iPod starting next week. My point is, I experience Christmas just like I did when I was ten, and I adore it. It’s never lost the fun because I’ve never taken the adult aspects of the holiday seriously. As for those people who think I’m being childish, I simply tell them they’re jealous (and then I offer them a cookie).
PS — It snowed in Seattle all day yesterday, and now the city looks like it’s covered in sugar crystals. I LOVE the snow, and this is such a gift. Never mind the bad traffic. I want to make snow angels!
taylorgirl6´s last [type] ..Is La Niña Code for Start Baking
Oh, you are MY kind of girl! I have a lot of the same tendencies as you, and when I fully embrace them, Christmas is truly magical. Speaking of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree, I bought this for a friend last year:
http://www.amazon.com/Charlie-Brown-27s-Tree-Blanket-Multicolor/dp/B001MMSWGO
It was a huge hit!
My coworkers are now staring at me and wondering why I’m laughing so loudly in our immaculate cubicle world.
That. Is. AWESOME.
taylorgirl6´s last [type] ..Is La Niña Code for Start Baking
News Flash! Jean IS NOT sending out Christmas cards this year except to the people she REALLY wants to keep in touch with or to whom a card would mean a lot—-like one of my Dad’s friends from college (in his 90’s who writes sweet notes back). And she MIGHT NOT get them out in time for Christmas, either.
WHEW!
Yeah, Jean! Good for you!!!!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Joy Tanksley, Joy Tanksley. Joy Tanksley said: Have a Very Essential-Self Holiday! — Just in case you didn’t know, the holiday season is here. Facebook is abuzz w… http://ow.ly/1a7vhW […]
I really appreciate this distinction and have been working to get in touch with what my essential self really wants for this holiday season. Thus, I have decided to forgo the decortaing in order to have more time for what my essential self enjoys — spending time with my husband and baking!
Yeah! That’s awesome, Ashley. Holiday sweets with your sweetheart! HA! Sounds like GOOD STUFF to me!