You know what’s worse than negative thinking?
Beating yourself up for negative thinking.
It’s actually pretty comical, when you think about it, to deal with negative thinking by thinking negatively about your negative thinking. Funny as it may be, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked to a client or a friend who will share some sort of negative thought pattern and then follow it up by saying, “I know it’s really stupid to be thinking that way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Hmmm... calling yourself stupid and flawed is probably not the best move for breaking the cycle.
Back when I used to spend ninety percent of my waking hours berating my body for being “too fat” I would often feel guilty about having bad body thoughts and proceed to mentally beat myself up for bashing my body. The result? Negative thinking coated with a thick layer of negative thinking. YUM!
These days, when those old familiar patterns of body hatred creep back in, I try this approach: I offer myself compassion and curiosity. I say something like this to myself:
Wow - isn’t it interesting that your dissing your thighs all of a sudden. That must mean something is hurting you on the inside. I’m so sorry. I wonder what it might be? You know, It makes sense that you would be doing this again. You’ve used your thighs as a scapegoat for many years. You’re still new to this whole body acceptance thing, really. Let’s just sit back and watch our thoughts today and see if we can figure out what’s really going on, okay? I bet we’ll find out something really helpful and important, which means there was a purpose in the thigh bashing all along. How cool is that?
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always hit the compassion/curiosity button right away. The beat-myself-up button is still much more accessible. But as soon as I notice I’m beating myself up for negative thinking, I put up a big old mental stop sign, take a deep breath, and offer myself a huge dose of kindness.
In Strength to Love, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. writes, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....”
This is just as true for your inner life as it was for the Civil Rights Movement. If you want to end the cycle of negative thinking, offer yourself love and light - not a mental whipping - every time you think a negative thought.
If you liked this, you may also like:
- Are You Limiting Yourself With If-Then Thinking? Check out this video I made for you about one of...
- Melissa’s Thoughts on Thoughts Melissa Anderson is one of the coolest people I know. She...
- [Monday Morning Spark] Why Positive Thinking Fails Hello everybody! I’ve decided to make a few tweaks to the...
- Gossip Steals Joy — Part 2 Last week, I wrote candidly about gossip and explored some of...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Great post, Joy! You’re right, it IS rather comical the way we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up. It doesn’t make any logical sense, really! And yet I struggle with it regularly. I tell myself that I know better, so why am I letting my thoughts go down that path?
But you’re absolutely right that giving myself more grief is not going to make the situation any better; indeed, it will make it worse! The best way to combat those negative thoughts is with kindness, care, understanding, and love.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self´s last [type] ..Body Metaphors
Hey Katie! I think that those of us who blog, or coach, or are, in someway, sharing a “positive” message tend to be especially hard on ourselves for negative thinking. What do you think? Sometimes I feel hypocritical when I have negative thought patterns. And then I remember that, um, I’m HUMAN! And if I didn’t have my own issues I wouldn’t be much of an authority on how to work through the negativity.
Fantastic insight! You always teach what you most need to learn
I love that MLK quote — how beautiful. And self-love is the way to other love. If I think about my own moods — I’m always kinder and gentler to my kids, my husband, my co-workers when I am feeling loved and sufficient myself (and my mean days happen when I’m down on myself). So, indeed, offer yourself love and light — and make the world a sweeter place
ami´s last [type] ..Facing my fear – at last– victory
Hey Ami! Great to see your lovely face this afternoon! I totally agree with your comment here. It starts with us and then the love just flows.
[…] shares with us her reflection on what could be worse than negative thinking. She talks about the ole guilt monster about feeling and thinking […]
I’ve never thought about it that way, but you’re right! It is pretty silly to beat yourself up for negative thinking. I love the Martin Luther King Jr. quote too, I’ll have to remember that one!
McKella, it’s so great to “meet” you! Thanks a bunch for commenting!