Yesterday, I woke up feeling great. I started my day responding to emails while listening to music on Pandora. Suddenly, a song came on that just made me wanna dance, so I did. I put my computer aside and danced around my living room. I felt so free. So confident. So vibrant. I was owning my power in that moment, and I decided to make some breakfast and take it outside, along with a fun book, and enjoy the cool morning air for an hour or so before digging into some creative projects and meeting with a client later in the day. A delicious day stretched out before me. ALL MINE!
And then...
As I went to turn off my music, an email pinged into my inbox. The title looked enticing: "Watched Your Video." I clicked quickly: my internal validation junkie was expecting praise and maybe even a new potential client.
Instead, I got something quite different. Here are a few choice snippets from the message:
"Your speech patterns and body language come across almost as valley girl affectations and overly exaggerated. Way too much head bobbing and dramatic punctuation in your speech."
"... you seem to lack a real authenticity and ability to connect with your audience."
"...I would strongly suggest you try to take an objective assessment of what you are projecting. It’s hard to get past your body language, affectations and intonations of speech to hear your message."
Here is a taste of the video in question. Go ahead and see the truth for yourself.
I worked hard on this video, and even though I didn't 100% love the finished product, I posted it. I made a pact with myself when I first created my website that I wouldn't hold myself to a rigid standard of perfection before publishing content. I view my site as a work in progress, and I revise and refine things all the time, so I figured I'd eventually make a new video, but this one would suffice for the time being.
I'm sad to say that after reading the critical email, my day was ruined. I cried a lot. I mean, A LOT. I definitely didn't take my breakfast outside. In fact, I didn't eat anything until after noon. Why on earth did this criticism from a total stranger bother me so much?
As I analyzed and reflected and dug into the wound, two old memories surfaced. The first was of being a cheerleader in 8th grade and finding out that I was being refereed to as "the fat cheerleader" behind my back. The second was visiting a chiropractor in my early 20's for a severely cricked neck and being told that I was a "really pretty girl but it would be good if I could just lose some weight."
As I continued to reflect, I realized that in all three instances, I felt a deep sense of shame and guilt. In all three instances, I felt like I was harboring a dark secret - I am too fat to be a good cheerleader. My weight is out of control and ruining my health. I am a big old phony, and I can't connect to my potential clients. And then, without warning, someone saw the truth and exposed it.
The problem is, those things aren't "the truth." The truth is that I was an awesome cheerleader, the crick in my neck had nothing to do with my weight, and that video in no way inhibits my ability to connect with my clients.
So, this all comes down to my ongoing work of believing I am enough, just as I am. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is your work, too.
So, let's own our power together, my friends. Let's dance around the living room at random intervals today. Let's laugh at criticisms. Let's revel in the cool fall air. Let's be exactly who we are in this moment and give exactly what we are able to give - no more, no less. Let's drop our regrets, our shame, our guilt, our grasping need for external validation - even if only for a moment.
I am ENOUGH! You are ENOUGH!
Now let's all get out there and have the day I started to have yesterday, damn it!
Ready team? Break!
P.S. The winner of the CD giveaway is Ashley! WOO HOO!!!!! Congratulations!!!! (I'll post the playlist for you all to see on Friday - this post is already long enough as it is today!)
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We are MORE than enough! The whole team is pretty darn awesome.
Heart you.
I agree! And heart you, too.
Excellent post, Joy! Your “detractor” sounds like a “life coach” who sees his/her goal in life as making every perfect — as measured by THEIR standards of perfection. I am proud of you for working you way back to: I AM perfect — just the way I am! Way to go, girl.
Oh, I LOVE this comment! Thank you so much!
The most powerful thing about this is that even though it affected you, it didn’t affect you for long. It didn’t destroy you and send you packing with your tail between your legs. You are not just “enough” you are a bright shining light!
I think there must be something in the air
Wow, so true about how it affected me. That’s a major change. I had moments yesterday where I wanted to just pull down the video and go hide under the covers for the next month! But I also had a sense that I was going to be just fine… it’s crazy that this doesn’t even sting at all today. What a difference from stewing about something like this for, literally, months in the past.
And yes, there is totally something in the air! XXOO!
This is huge for me. I struggle so much with accepting criticism, even when it’s given properly. Somehow I always manage to interpret a criticism about something I’ve done (usually some very small aspect of my life) as a criticism of WHO I AM. It is so true that I need to keep reminding myself that I don’t need to change, I just need to accept. Because I am enough, just as I am, right here right now!
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self´s last [type] ..Easy Shrimp and Artichoke Salad
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about, baby!!!! YES!
WHAT???!!!
I almost subscribed again under an assumed name and different email address simply because everyone knows that I am partial and supportive beyond normalcy. Yes, you are to be commended for taking the hit, working through it and in the end putting into place all of the truths that you have already learned and making the choice to be who you are, regardless of what some unknown someone out there says. Your subscribers will probably be far more kind than I can be about this but I just have to say a few things: Gosh, I didn’t realize that there is even such a thing as the “Blogger Police” who roam about trying to make sure that all Blogging hosts speak with or without a particular dialect! Body language, oh dear me, now that really speaks doesn’t it? How does one get to be a member of the “Blogging Police”? I could not disagree more with the critique! Perhaps the most affirming thing about this person’s post is that it truly proves that what you are doing Joy, my dear, is of great value and serves a need. We all have issues. The comments made by this unknown person proves he/she has issues as well.One final thing I will say is that as I read your posts and your replies to those of us who comment, you are so affirming and never pass judgement on anyone. I applaud you for that. Apologies to all you other subscibers for this venting! I’m getting my pom poms out right away!!
That’s my mama! Wow — what an amazing blessing to know you always have my back and support me unconditionally. I love you.
I don’t quite understand why other folks feel that they have permission to tell us who we ought to be. Perhaps if that person had asked you if you wanted some feedback you could have received some good information, but unsolicited feedback that is critical is nasty. I just wrote about his myself. Good for you for working it out and shrugging it off. It’s her issue, not yours.
Thank you, Catherine. I thought about that, too — if it had been someone I had any sort of relationship of trust with, the feedback might have felt different. Oh well! And I loved your post, by the way!
BTW — I really like your videos and I think ones of the reasons why is that it is you being you. (Even though I don’t know you). Your authenticity and creativity are attractive!
Aw, shucks! Thanks!
So much came up for me in this post, Joy. First of all, who in the world would write such a scathing criticism without any relationship to anchor it? Truly, that amazes me. Second, I love the ability to feel the affect and then shift it. My pattern is to get stuck in Negative Badland and stay there. I’m just beginning to make the choice of my own happiness. Third, one of my teachers invites me to check out all words, all praise and criticism and check to see what truth may be there for me to grow with. This one can be a toughie, in that sometimes someone hits on a truth that I know is so and it can hurt AND help me make different choices…and sometimes, I find myself saying, “Nope, that guy’s a nutcase. It’s his stuff, not mine.” Which leads me to the last point which is that one of the Energy Allies we use in Nia is “Don’t take anything personally.” The truth is, as Don Miguel Ruiz says “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if other insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.”
A lot to chew on here… thanks for adding your lovely thoughts to the mix, my dear.
Ok, Joy, I’ve only been following your blog for about a month now, but I’ve got to tell you, one of the things that hooked me on your blog is your videos. Yup. I love the way you seem so natural on camera, how you seem to be talking to the people you want to reach, instead of an overly rehearsed, picture-perfect and (in my opinion) dead, talking-head video.
This person’s comments come from her/his own pain and have nothing to do with you. Imagine how constrained this person’s life must be, how much s/he is always checking to make sure s/he is coming off “appropriately.”
Screw that.
My ex-husband (notice the “ex”) decades ago scolded me for dancing so uninhibitedly. I felt such shame, I never danced again, though I used to *love* to dance. It’s taken 30-some years for me to claim my body back and to start dancing (to Nia DVDs) again, in my own living room. This is because of YOU, Joy: You are the one who introduced me to Nia, through one of your videos.
Someone once commented to me upon hearing the ultra-negative comments (amounting to insults) coming from another person, “I’m so glad I don’t have to live in THAT head.” I hope your negative commenter can find her/his way to a more enlightened way of living. Blessings on her/him, and on YOU, Joy.
Lots of hugs! And keep on shining that light!
Oh MY goodness, Laurie. Your comment touched me so deeply. My tears are really flowing right now. GOOD tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this. Hugs back to you. BIG TIME.
Joy, I will respond more thoughtfully when I have time, but until then, when considering that a random stranger needed to critique you at such length, I would gently remind you of the phenomenon of projection. Anything this person says is so incalculably more about them than it is about you.
xo from your admirer
–Max
Oh, Max. The only way this comment would be any better is if I could actually HEAR you say it in that sultry voice of yours. XO right back atchya!
Please don’t take this in a mean way, but when I first read this I laughed. I laughed because this person clearly has no idea who you are. Then I just wanted to get on here and rant and hope that whoever it was, was going to be reading this. After many hours of calming myself down, I have decided that I feel sorry for this person that has closed the door on knowing one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. You have and continue to be a tremendous inspiration to me. The one thing that I have figured out in life is that when someone does and says things like that to you, they are somehow trying to feel better about themselves.
I hear your message loud and clear.
Shine on Joy!
I love you Girlfriend!
JUDY! I LOVE that your first reaction was to laugh. That’s perfect! Oh my goodness, how wonderful would it be if that had been MY first reaction?
Thanks for this amazing comment. You are such a blessing. Love you, too.
Ok, so my honest first reaction was, “Let me at ‘em!” G-rrrrr. NOBODY treats my buddy, Joy, like that. Wham! Slam! Ka-Pow!”
But, really. this person is suffering enough already. Nobody in their right mind would take it upon themselves to offer up a critique like that without being asked. Who, I wonder, criticised them so harshly? And, as someone just said, they are missing out on one of the coolest, most real people ever.
So, whoever you are, get on back here and get a dose of this Joy we are all enjoying. If ya hang around this bunch for long, you might just get some healing for yourself and have a lot of fun, too. Shoot, why don’t YOU let it all go and do us a dancing video, too. I think you need a BIG dose of LOVE.
So. Joy, don’t change NUTHIN—-you are so FINE just as you are. Love you!
JEAN YOU ROCK! Thank you ever so much for making me laugh so hard! Love you bunches!
Joy,
I applaud you for sharing your feelings with us because we all struggle with dips in mood and confidence when we receive outside criticism. The saddest part is that it works to unearth our self-criticism often harking back to past memories such as you mention about your cheerleader days.
When we share your story it helps us get in better touch with ours.
You were so wise to have stayed with your painful feelings by crying, reflecting and analyzing. We are often too quick to stuff our pain and cover it over with temporary feel-good. Look at how it empowered you and now your readers for you to have “gone through” rather than “gone around”.
I love your spirit and energy, and especially am happy that you decided to bypass perfection and take positive action instead. The best part about blogging is the opportunity it gives us to share our magnificence with the world without having to convince an executive board or creative team that we are worthy. Many people are waiting to hear the uplifting message that you and other life coaches share. You are helping to heal and empower the world in a way that’s never been possible in history until now.
The harsh criticism from this troubled stranger hurt at first because you’re human, but look at the lesson that you learned from it that you now share with us who need to hear it also. Anyone and anything that tries to convince us that we are not ok, that we’re not enough is lying. We each came to the world to share a special gift. Like each lily in the field we are different, but beautiful and powerful in our own way.
I’m guilty of starting my day on a high sometimes, and then letting someone’s off comment or my own self-criticism dampen my spirits and send me spiraling into ugly guilt or shame. Because I grew up with such strong insistence from my parents and elders that I be a “big girl” and “toughen things out”, it’s not easy for me to cry. When I do, however, I benefit tremendously. I think of tears as windshield washer that clears the windows of our soul, enabling us to see what was blocked by layers of muck.
Of course your video is perfect for connecting with your clients, not everyone in the world, but your rightful and perfect-for-you clients.
Keep dancing and being joyful and helping us do the same. It is your mission. Thank you for accepting it.
Blessings.
Flora M Brown, Ph.D.´s last [type] ..5 Ways to Go from Overwhelmed to Productive
Oh, Flora. This comment took my breath away. Thank you for taking the time to write these beautiful words. I feel so nurtured, supported, and deeply understood. What an amazing gift. Blessings to YOU.
Hey Joy,
i just got to read your blog today. I can only say how I feel. I love your video’s, they bring “joy” to me, brighten my day and give me hope. I love to see your smiling face and hear your words that keep me going when i’m down.
MJ
Thank you, Mary Jane. Thank you. Hugs to you!
Hi Joy! Have seen your whole video now, and have some more observations:
I LOVE that it so immediately conveys genuineness. I love your energy and enthusiasm. For anyone speaking your language, it’s a great message.
Having seen the whole thing, it’s even more clear that the person who responded negatively was just dumping. It’s a very thinly veiled ad hominem bomb (ok, maybe ad feminam; my Latin stinks). Why go around criticizing what you simply don’t have an affinity for? That’s just plain savage. Almost all of us need look no further than our mother for the rule about this: If you don’t have something nice to say…
So I do have a couple suggestions. One is about length. I do web analytics for a large institution, and what we’ve seen is that audience engagement is high for a minute or two of video, and drops off a lot after that. At seven minutes, they’re hardly drawing breath. Of course, our content is very different, but you might experiment with length, and see what does best.
Another thing you might want to experiment with is camera angle, and eye contact. I noticed that when you make direct eye contact with the camera, it’s electric! A big, palpable boost of energy. You couldn’t and wouldn’t want continual eye contact, but some amount more might be very effective.
Most of all, good for you for putting it out there! I am learning so much from you, and will be following right behind.
And that makes this another vote of approval from your friend
–Max
I love that you shared this because it’s such a perfect example of how different feedback feels when it comes from a trusted source with genuine intentions.
I definitely plan to update this video (I had this plan well before I got the nasty gram!) and one of the main reasons is length. When I made this video, I wasn’t comfortable with editing, so I had to get a single take that I felt good about, which isn’t an easy task! Now, I’ve learned how to edit, so that makes it soooo much easier to make short videos.
I really appreciate your feedback and will definitely take it to heart when my essential self is ready to make some updates!
Joy, I love that you turned a hurtful experience into a positive learning opportunity. You’re such an inspiration! I can relate so much to your post and to what Katie said. If I receive criticism of any kind, I feel like it means that I’m not good enough at my core. I hate making mistakes, and I often think that it’s a reflection of the type of person I am. It’s interesting because for other people my same mistakes might not be a big deal or might give them even more fuel to soldier on. It’s something I know that I need to work on — that is, building thicker, stronger skin.
Again, fantastic, fantastic post!
Margarita @ Weightless´s last [type] ..Normal Eating with Kids & Tackling Anxiety– Q&A with Dr Rowell– Part 3
Thanks, Margarita! So glad to know you were able to relate to my pain! XO!
How amazing that a critical email could turn into something so wondrously positive! I know that when you were “in the moment” you had no idea that all of this would be the basis for another meaningful blog! I’m wondering how many of us, when we watched the video weeks ago, said, “Oh, that was too long, and her accent is annoying, etc.”??? I don’t think so. OK, sure, remember I told you that after subscribing to a few blogs that I stopped visiting there because there was no content and I recall mentioning about a particular person’s voice grating on my brain!!! Yet, I believe that most of us visit your blog and others with expectation and not in a spirit of thinking, “Oh, let me see what I can find fault with this blogger today?” I just don’t think so. One interesting thing is that the person who made the negative comments did so in an email, rather than publish them on the web. It was your choice to share them with us. If every reader of the blog knew better as to how to do all of this stuff, we each would have our own blog. Hey, I don’t have one! I would never give you a critique in your blog, so check your email because I have some comments about that casserole you are always serving us when we visit!!!!!
You’re my girl.
You are a HOOT!
Oh Joy. You’ve taught us some great lessons about dealing with trolls and negativity: (1) It’s ok to cry and express our emotions, (2) We can gather support from our network when bad stuff happens, and (3) a little analysis and self-awareness can help us get back on track.
My initial reaction mirrored others’ — I assumed another troll got loose on the internet! But the waffler in me pondered: is it possible the commenter was both well-intentioned AND (TERRIBLY) unskilled at sharing feedback? In any case — luckily you have a good heart (and, I’m thinking, no ready access to WMD!). Good for you for turning around a negative situation into a valuable lesson. Keep posting the videos — IMO, they are the most authentic, valuable and FUN part of your authentic, valuable and fun website!
ami´s last [type] ..When seeking your vocation – Know what you’re getting into
Thank you, Ami, especially for your kind words about my videos.
You know what, I really think you are quite right that this person had good intentions combined with zero social skills. She started her message with, “I really hope I don’t sound like a terrible jerk, but…”
Of course, you and I know that when you preface something with that phrase, it probably means what’s coming next is best left unsaid, but it does lead me to believe she was maybe trying to be helpful. Maybe?
Uuuuummmmm, like, you are soooo not, like, a valley girl — duh.
Like OH MY GOSH, like, you are like so totally right!!!!
Oh my gosh what a fun laugh — made my day! I am so glad that you got it — like, totally glad.
Enjoy you weekend!!
You, too, Valerie!
thank you for sharing this. i truly think everyone can identify with these feelings. why is it, then, if we’re all thinking and feeling this way we a) don’t take better care of one another and b)not realize everyone’s personal dialogue may just drown out any thoughts they may have of us!
lee-ann´s last [type] ..New Baby A!
Lee-ann, thank you SO MUCH for adding your lovely thoughts. XO!