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As I shared in part 2 of this series, I think there are times in life when numbing out is necessary. However, I also think that numbing out should be done sparingly, and the goal should be to move toward nurturance as much as possible. Nurturing activities are the antidote to our perceived need to numb ourselves. Let me go ahead and say it - most people really suck at self-nurturing. I suspect this is a huge part of why we're often so dissatisfied, even when we have seemingly "good" lives.
As children, we depended on our caregivers for nurturance. Whether your parents were A+ nurturers, or fell into the "not so much" category, take a moment to recognize that they did the best with the skills they had to offer you. Also, recognize that your self-nurturing abilities are shaped by your childhood experiences. This is not about being bitter about the past or blaming your current level of dissatisfaction on your parents. It's just helpful to recognize that it may be time to develop the self-care skills that you didn't learn as a child. You have the awesome power and responsibility to create a joyful life for yourself, regardless of your past hurts or the shortcomings of the people who raised you. Personally, I think that's pretty cool.
Whether or not an activity is truly nurturing all depends on your mindset and intention around that activity. Eating,for example, can be highly nurturing, but it can also be used as a way to totally numb out. The following questions will help you determine whether you are using a particular activity for numbing or nurturance:
- Does the activity bring you a general sense of openness and freedom, or a sense of tightness and captivity?
- How do you feel leading up the activity? Do you feel a peaceful, positive, joyful sense of anticipation, or do you feel a panicky sense of urgency?
- How do you feel during the activity? Do you feel connected, present, and authentic, or do you feel zoned out, empty, phony, and agitated?
- How do you feel after the activity? Satisfied, content, and ready to move forward, or unfulfilled, irritated, and desperately grasping for something more?
Thinking about the questions above, determine some activities that you know are nurturing for you. Maybe you haven't engaged in these activities in a very long time. Or maybe you feel like you don't have time for nurturance. Recognize that this is a limiting belief. Isn't it funny how we always have time to numb out, but we don't think we have time to take care of ourselves?
Make a list of nurturing activities for yourself. You might include some things you've never even tried, but feel delicious to your soul. Your essential self may be asking for something that your social self wants to reject. Maybe you think you're a terrible dancer but your essential self really wants to dance. Maybe you've never done anything artistic in your life, but your essential self is begging to paint. Be open to these things. They hold the key to giant wellsprings of joy in your life.
Also, keep in mind that nurturing activities don't have to be complicated or expensive. In fact, many of your daily routines, such as a morning shower, cooking eggs for breakfast, or walking to get your mail, can become quite nurturing if you shift your intention. Imagine building a life for yourself that is completely focused on nurturance. How would that impact your health? Your relationships? Your productivity? Your energy? Your ability to make a positive impact on the world?
I say, it's time for a self-care revolution! Let's start by sharing some ideas for nurturance in the comments. And I challenge you to include these words in your comment: "Today, I commit to nurture myself by..."
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Sometimes I just have to tell myself that the important thing is that I stay “centered”, a very important word for me because it means that I am going to stay calm and visit the extremes of emotion only for a little while and not get stuck in either the really sad ‚depressed or panicy extreme or the really ecstatic extreme, ESPECIALLY if the emotional states are caused by a situation in my life . Joy is a whole different thing for me!
Right now, I am deciding how to handle my commitment to have a big one-woman art show in October, and I COULD allow myself to work from a state of overwhelm and panic. I have made the decision, however, to allow that feeling to show itself and then I am going to tell myself that I can take my time and do whatever I can do— AND ENJOY THE PROCESS. That means I have to allow myself to not live up to some preconceived standard, but to accept whatever I get done as “enough” and be proud of it. My work is so wildly colored that it needs a lot of space per painting anyway. I am also making the decision to get help with the stuff I hate (publicity, photos, cards, etc) so I can focus on what I love to do. In fact, I have already taken care of that technical stuff so all I really have to do is paint and ENJOY! Otherwise, what’s the point?
In the past, I would just run with the panic and not enjoy the process at all. I have learned to make choices as to how I am going to run my feelings. They can show up as they do but I don’t have to be stuck in any of them. AND, this involves staying awake and noticing what is renting space in my head. I am the landlady and I CAN evict!
Yes! You are the landlady! AWESOME!
You’re right Joy, sometimes it’s hard to even give ourselves permission to self-nurture. For me, sometimes nurturing takes surprising forms, so my challenge is to be open to nurturing experiences and opportunities when they pop up.
For example, we have a terrible habit of doing a big cleaning and de-cluttering only when we’re going to have guests over. It’s almost a mini-spring cleaning, something I would normally dread (and would never think of doing to self nurture). Yet, when I’ve resolved to do it, the *cleaning itself* feels good, often gets me in a meditative state. And of course, I love the results. AND I love having the company. Yet we don’t entertain as often as we could (and we *definitely* don’t do a big cleaning and de-cluttering as often as we could).
Also — the practice of breathing and doing yoga or meditation are big time nurturing steps for me — but I don’t often make the time for them. I do better when I focus on how good I feel while doing them and afterwards.
.-= ami´s last blog ..What the Heck Do I Do With My Word? 5 Easy Steps to Boost Your Word’s Magic =-.
Oh, man, I SO hear you on the cleaning thing. I know it speaks volumes about my deep-set beliefs when I’m willing to clean for others but not myself. And I, like you, always end up enjoying the process (somewhat) and the results (a lot).
Jean–
Enjoyed your post and LOVED the landlady metaphor!!
You mean for Jean’s comment, right? Me, too!
And LOVE your new pic, Joy!
Thanks, my dear!
Great insight, Joy! I think one of the beginning steps to nurturing ourselves is realizing that we are worth it. Often we feel somewhere deep inside that we don’t deserve to take care of ourselves. We often look at our short comings. But instead we should look at our accomplishments and give ourselves a reasons to take a break. We should celebrate victories!
Thanks for sharing, you are doing such a great job in bringing Joy to our day!
.-= Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey´s last blog ..What’s Next? That Is The Question =-.
I definitely agree with you, Jarrod. The real change has to take place at the level of our beliefs. Once we believe we are worthy, the nurturance piece falls into place. Have a great weekend!