I'm guessing today's title caught your attention. Yes, I am going to tell you how much I weigh. If the thought of knowing how much I weigh makes your pulse quicken a bit, and you suddenly find yourself frantically scrolling through this post to find that magic number so you can compare your body to my body, well then, my dear, you could really benefit from attending my upcoming workshop on body image. But I digress.
My weight has ranged 50 pounds in my adult life. At my highest weight, I was classified as obese according to Body Mass Index charts. At my lowest weight, extra small t-shirts tended to be too big for me. I have finally, finally, finally found a natural, healthy, maintainable weight that is right for my body and fits with my lifestyle. At my current weight, I won't be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon. Fortunately, modeling has never been on my list.
After reaching my all-time lowest weight a little less than five years ago, I started the process of regaining pretty darn fast. Geneen Roth says that for every diet there is an equal and opposite binge, and I have certainly lived this truth.
In the midst of my most troubled compulsive eating, I recall saying these words to my husband, "If I get back up to 150 pounds, I'll kill myself." I think I was serious. I often think about those words - they are burned in my brain. Did I really say that? Did I really feel that panicked about food and weight issues? Did I really hate my body that much? How on earth was I able to disconnect so fully from the truth of myself?
Now, as I reflect on those words, I find something so insanely cool that it makes the hair stand up on my head. You see, I did "get back up to 150 pounds" and, in a sense, it did cause me to kill myself. It brought up all of the detrimental belief systems that formed my identity, and it launched me into a process of killing those unhelpful beliefs, one-by-one.
So, I did kill myself. At least, a part of myself. I killed the part of myself that believed thin was the answer. I killed the part of myself that believed I was unlovable. I killed the part of myself that believed I couldn't be trusted. That part of me had to die, so that truth could be born. The truth is that I am beautiful and perfect and whole, just as I am. The truth is that my body knows exactly what to eat. The truth is that my body loves to move and stretch and dance and laugh. The truth is that a tape measure around my waist can never measure the size of my potential, or the depth of my purpose. The truth is that the number on the scale tells me nothing about grace, light, love, and true nourishment.
Today, I weigh 157 pounds. I am 5'6. (I give you my height because I remember what is was like to obsessively compare my weight to the weight of other women. I remember how exciting it was to find someone's weight printed in a magazine, and how disappointing it was when her height wasn't included. So, I will fulfill your need to compare. In exchange, I ask you to reflect on WHY you have this need.)
At 157 pounds, I am the happiest I have ever been. At 157 pounds, I am weightless.
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It’s SO fantastic to know you, Joy–amazing to see you live light and joy every day. I can’t imagine how painful it was for you just a few short years ago. I’m so grateful that you found your way and that you are willing to share it with the rest of us. Keep it coming! You’ve got more than one quotable in this piece, but this one is my favorite: The truth is that a tape measure around my waist can never measure the size of my potential, or the depth of my purpose. Love you.
Thank you, my dear friend. Thank you.
I couldn’t agree with Susan more. What an honor and blessing to know you and call you a friend. I’m beyond grateful for your openness and honesty and thank you for being so amazingly you.
Right back atchya, baby. And thank you so much.
Joy: You are fantastic at any weight.
I ponder the body image question as well, especially when my EIGHT year old daughter started asking me if she was fat. Yikes, what do little kids talk about weight for? I’m trying to challenge all 3 of our kids (and myself) to evaluate their bodies in terms of what they can DO, rather than what number they might be.
Can your body
run? fast enough to play tag?
dance?
stretch to touch your toes?
balance on one foot?
lift itself in push-ups or chin-ups?
Does your body do what you want and need it to do when you want and need it to? Do you like the way it feels?
Does your body let you savor the taste and smell of food and flowers? Can you listen to — and enjoy — the sound of music? Can you enjoy the feeling of soft sheets and clothes — and warm hugs?
If you answer ‘yes’ to most of these questions, that is enough.
.-= ami´s last blog ..If We’re All in Sales – Who is YOUR Customer? =-.
Ami — YOU NAILED IT! Your kids are so lucky to have a mom who really gets it.
I agree that it is quite disturbing to hear a child talk about weight. My niece (almost eight) has complained about being fat. She happens to be tiny. But regardless of a child’s size, your response is SPOT ON. You should write a post about this, because I have moms ask me all the time how they should handle their child’s weight issues and I think your approach is totally where it’s at (for all of us).
XXOO!
I hesitate to put a lot of stock in what our bodies can *do*. If we follow this logic, we will hate ourselves more as we age … and then there is the disabilities issue. Some of our bodies can’t do these things. This is an interesting topic! Where IS the line?
Susan, I understand where you are coming from here. For sure. It’s complicated. I think it’s important to let go of comparison — in all things. Maybe the thought should be, “How is my body an instrument for ME?” No matter how ill or elderly or sick or disabled we may be, our bodies still house our souls. They make it possible for us to BE on this earth. Your body is an amazing instrument for you, don’t you think? Maybe it’s not my place to say, but I think your body does incredible things for you against all odds. Your body amazes me all the time.
I think focusing on what our bodies can DO as we age is much less risky than putting stock in how they LOOK. But at the end of the day, the body is just the shell. The main focus should be on spirit, I think.
Well, Girlfriend, with this discussion you have engaged in combat (and I DO think that is the right word) with a whole culture that is based, economically, and God knows how many other ways, on making sure women and girls (the younger the better) feel bad about themselves, and especially bad and ashamed of how their bodies look. If we stay preoccupied with constantly trying to make our bodies fit the “norm” then we won’t mess around in anything that could change the world because we are so bent on getting ourselves to look acceptable that we will have neither time nor energy for other things. I have often told my women friends that if women ever gave up feeling bad about how they looked, the economy of this country would crash over-night. We all giggle and agree—-But think about how much is invested in keeping us unsatisfied with our beautiful selves. And women you and I think are beyond beautiful will, if you tell them how lovely they are, give you a whole list of “flaws” that they just can’t stand about themselves. Yikes! Thanks for taking this on, Joy, one woman at a time.
Jean, I do feel a sense of combat with this subject. Totally. And I’m all over it, honey! Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful contributions.
I am so moved by all of your words. I think a big reason that I diet and quit over and over again is because I’ve always struggled with the notion that I’m supposed to feel bad about my weight. I grew up in a family that valued intelligence, creativity, compassion and spirit over physicality, and as such I always believed in myself. I always believed I was enough. Someone along the line, I fell short in the tug-o-war between what I truly believed about myself and what society believes about obese people. So I diet, become outraged that I’m buying into this mentality of being flawed due to fat, I go off plan and regain, feel bad about quitting, then start the whole cycle over again. It’s truly irritating and I cannot wait until the moment comes when I am able to sort it all out and feel like my normal, confident self again…regardless of my size.
Pasua,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate you sharing your story. The fact that you are thinking in this way tells me that you WILL experience freedom. It’s right around the corner. Much love and light to you.
Hi, Pasua — I could have written your same words a few months ago. I am now mid-way through Joy’s Digging Deep workshop and it has helped me SO MUCH. It has really helped me sort through those thoughts and beliefs that were going back and forth. I would definitely recommend it if you want to put down that rope and find that person you know is inside. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more about my experience with the workshop. Best wishes to you.
Hi Joy, I commend you on having reached that point to where you’re not allowing a number on a scale to hold you in bondage. I believe if more people in this world come to this realization, Joy would be more prevalent across the nation. Stay just as you are and don’t change for anyone or anything!
Thanks for sharing, take care!!
.-= Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey´s last blog ..Are You In Indifference Mode? =-.
Thank you so much, Jarrod! I really appreciate your kind words! You take care, too!
Joy,
You are so beyond beautiful. And once again prove it with this lastest post. You are a perfect example of how you feel on the inside about yourself shows on the outside. and that in your case, simply put is ‘beyond beautiful’.
Keep up your wonderful words and encouragement for all of us to keep benefiting from–
Thank you so very much, my dear. LOVE YOU!
I think perhaps the question is at what weight does it shift from healthy to unhealthy for your body? There are so many factors involved, it must vary widely from person to person. Surely not only height, but health, ability, age, genetics, activity, etc.
I have been thinking about this since Joy shared it with us…I agree that it can be dicey to celebrating our bodies for what they can do since that is always changing and eventually declining. And yet I am deeply grateful for my healthy strong body — although I’ve certainly spent plenty of time wanting it to be thinner. And as I write this, I acknowledge that this desire is at least partially a manifestation of a more profound issue: since I was little, I’ve been encouraged to be less — less loud, less busy, less blunt, less show-offy — smaller, in general. So that extends to my relationship with my body, too. It can do all kinds of things and it is like I am — big and bold and enthusiastic and sometimes messy and loud. Joy’s notion of letting go of comparison in all things is a HUGE concept and totally radical to our culture. And perhaps the key is appreciating and celebrating our bodies for being our unique instrument of life and doing our best to listen and care for them.
Mercy me, I do so love having your voice here. Thank you, my dear.
[…] Wanna Know My Weight? (This was maybe my gutsiest post. Cause I tell how much I weigh. Oh, and I actually LIKE my weight. Read more about my long road to self-acceptance…) […]
i loved this so much. it’s funny because i went through something similar — when i was heavier, i thought my life was SOOOO bad and it would be magical if i could just “get skinny.” it was only when i lost weight due to illness that i looked back and thought… you know, life was really good then, and i was missing it because i was so caught up in stupid junk that didn’t even matter. i wasted my teenage years complaining, and i never would have thought that i would enter my twenties with chronic disease and not a lot of control over my weight (but i don’t care now anyways!).
rebekah (clarity in creation.)´s last [type] ..worst post ever
Hey baby. Thank you so much for adding this. You are beautiful and so insightful.
I just found your blog and could not be happier! I am currently working as a dietitian but have also had many of the same struggles as you. Sharing this story with readers is so self-less because there are a lot of people out there (myself included although I am getting better) who need to hear that it is okay NOT to be perfect! Thank you so much!
Yeah! You are so welcome! And it’s great to meet you.
Beautiful post
I feel that I’m in a similar situation right now. I spent two years underwight with XS and 0s being too big but I’ve spent the past month in sugar induced binges and have gained massive amounts of weight. I feel ridicusouly uncomfortable in my new body and I’m curious how you managed to change your mentality and “kill” that former internal critic. Because right now I struggle with that little voice in the back of my head telling me I’ve gotten too fat and that I need to stop eating, etc.
Thank you for sharing!!
Hey Sarah. So nice to meet you! Thanks for commenting!
So, making peace with food and my body took three years. Three full years. I like to be upfront about that. There were MANY things I did in those three years that contributed to the place I am now. I’ll list some of the biggies for you:
1. I worked with a therapist.
2. After some time with the therapist, I transitioned to a life coach who had personal experience with healing the issues I was seeking to heal.
3. I quit dieting. This happened slowly, bit by bit. During my darkest binge eating, I was not only a dedicated Weight Watchers Lifetime member, but I was also a meeting leader. It took a while for me to fully understand that Weight Watchers IS a diet. At first, I tried to make peace with food within the context of the program, but ultimately, that didn’t work for me. I quit my job at WW last March and I no longer use any sort of external program or plan.
4. I learned Byron Katie’s method of thought inquiry and spent a great deal of time questioning and replacing my stressful thoughts — not just about food and my body.
I hope this is helpful! Don’t hesitate to email me at joytanksley@gmail.com. I love talking about this stuff!