In third grade, a boy I had a crush on called me a "big, fat heifer." This was one of several early experiences that lead me to the false conclusion that my body was not okay. It didn't take me long to connect that food was the cause of this problem. And so food was also not okay. At age 9, I was ashamed of my desire for food, and I was ashamed of the size of my body. I lost weight that year by jumping on my mom's exercise trampoline for fifteen minutes every day. I tasted the delicious pride of weight loss. I'm not sure I've ever been praised for anything in my life the way I've been praised for shrinking my body that first time and many times since.
The feelings of "not okay" continued through high school, college, and my first years of marriage. I held fast to the dream of thin. Thin, I imagined, was the ultimate healing balm. If I just had the willpower to shut off my desires, I would one day achieve "thin" and solve all my problems.
As a young adult, I worked fervently to change my body through diet and exercise. The more I forced and restricted, the bigger my desires grew. It didn't occur to me that deprivation lead to overeating. Instead, I saw it like this: My body is not okay and needs to be changed, but the harder I try, the worse things get. Therefore, something is seriously wrong with me. I am broken. I need to be fixed. I MUST try harder.
My relationship with food, for more than twenty years, was built on a foundation of mistrust, fear, and low self-worth.
Three years ago, I hit rock bottom. I was eating until I was physically ill on a regular basis. We're not talking, "Oh, I went out to a restaurant and overindulged and now I need a Rolaid." No, we're talking I couldn't wait for my husband to leave the house so I could stand in the kitchen and stuff myself with foods that I didn't even like very much, until I couldn't do anything but sit very still and breathe very slowly. We're talking about hiding and sneaking. We're talking about hunting for food like an animal. We're talking about eating off the floor and out of the garbage can.
This is my dieting success story. Charming, isn't it? I don't think the weight loss industry would do so well if it advertised, "Increase stress! Reduce joy! Become a dark, hollow shell of the person you are meant to be!" Then again, if thin is the promise, people would probably still buy in.
Thank God (and I mean that quite literally) I didn't accept this as my lifelong reality. I reached out for help in two distinct ways. One, I started seeing a therapist. Two, I started reading everything I could get my hands on that might offer help or make me feel less alone.
It took three years. Three full years of focused work on my unhelpful thought patterns and core belief systems to heal my relationship with food. I can say, with 100% honesty, that my relationship with food and with my body is now positive, peaceful, and aligned with my life's purpose. I found the healing balm, and it has nothing to do with being thin. The healing balm is love.
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This journey has made you the incredible, amazing, joyful person that I am proud to call my friend.
You totally rock, Joyous!
I do think the journey helped shape me. I wouldn’t trade it. Thanks, my friend!
Wow Joy — what an incredible story — and what a great new start you have made for yourself (I didnt want to say a great ending
) While your version was unique to you, I believe that many, many people carry the same guilt, shame and negative thinking about their bodies and their relationship with food. You show us all a way out — thanks.
.-= ami´s last blog ..The gift of humility =-.
Thank you, Ami. I do think this type of shame is SO COMMON. It kind of blows my mind.
I look forward to reading your blog daily, Joy. Today, I sit at my desk in tears — your story touches something familiar in me and in my relationship with my body and food. Thanks for embodying the courage and strength to walk the road that I am embarking on. “…And the harder I try, the worse things get” rings true. You are a lovely beacon; simultaneously calming and energizing!
Wow, thank you for this beautiful comment, Amy. Thanks for reading and congratulations on embarking on this path in your own life. Please contact me ANYTIME if you feel stuck.
Thank you for sharing, Joy. You inspire me and give me hope. Much thanks and love to you!
Hey sweetheart! You’re welcome. Much love to you, too!
Joy,
Just to continue the conversation from your WSL post, I think that you have a powerful blog here and I think that the way you open up so personally will really influence a lot of people with your coaching business.
–Joshua Black
The Underdog Millionaire
.-= Joshua Black | The Underdog Millionaire´s last blog ..3 Tips For Scaring Your Customers Before Halloween to Sell More Stuff =-.
Thanks for coming over, Josh! I really appreciate your positive feedback. REALLY appreciate it.
P.S. I wish I had know you back then, because I would have beaten the crap out of that kid.
The funny thing is that he was typically a really nice little guy and we were buddies. Looking back now, I think he might have had a crush on me, too. So weird how we say things we don’t mean, and they end up hurting people in ways we could have never imagined.
Oh, Joy, I want to reach back in time and give little 9-year-old you a big hug. In the fourth grade I actually broke a boy’s nose when he said — loudly — that my best friend Judy’s thighs looked like two big baked hams. I was a skinny rail of a kid but I felt her humiliation and as the one who had done the punching in her defense I had to spend the lunch hour sitting in shame on the stage of the assembly room/cafeteria while the kids ate and hurled taunts. I was also the first defendant in the newly-formed student court. Whew, I haven’t thought of that dark chapter in decades. Thank you for a powerful and evocative post.
On a much lighter note I received my CD prize today — your delightful Make YOU Dance CD!!! I love it. Thank you.
Also, if there is a photo next to my comment it is because I watched Christine’s Gravatar tutorial video featuring YOU!
Jan — there you are! YAY! Love the picture! (It was SO COOL when I watched Christine Kane’s video and there I was. What a funny surprise!)
Thanks for sharing your memory. You have always been a feisty one, huh? Love that.
So glad your CD made it!
XXOO!
To set the record straight, I want everyone to know that the little boy that Joy was referring to really did have a crush on her! I did not know this story until many years later. How sad that one hurtful comment said to us as a child can embed itself deeply within us. For many of us, a comment such as Joy experienced, whispers to us for a life time. Why is it easier to believe the lies? It seems impossible to be able to “grow” our children to have a strong sense of self esteem. I’m talking about the kind of self esteem that would walk all over a put down remark. I have never known anyone with that kind of self assurance. We can’t possibly teach our kids that kind of self worth when we as adults are suffering from the same issues that have plagued us since childhood. So, here we are on the Joy Trail! How good it is for me to find that I’m really not messed up! Just a little tarnished perhaps! Joy, your blog fits so perfectly with this trek I have been on for the past 2 years. I appreciate you being so transparent because this models the role for me to be able to honestly and openly share my struggles and my victories! Thanks Baby Girl.
I love you so much, Mom.
Joy, thank you for sharing your struggles with food so boldly. Like you, I’m a former food addict and bulimic. Also like you, I’ve found release through self-awareness, curiosity, LOVE, and the Universe’s gentle timing. It has been an ongoing process, and another layer was removed a few weeks ago. These human lives of ours are brilliant, and all we need to do to make them shine is point the light on them.
Much peace and continued clarity to you!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Joy is Ours! =-.
Thanks for adding this, Megan. Much love to you, my friend.
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Congratulations on finding your peace with food! Right now I’m in the same situation you were. I spent a month binging every day then went four days without binging but I’ve binged the past two days. I keep eating even when I start feeling sick, something clicks inside me and I just can’t stop. But you give me hope that I will be able to find peace (and hopefully soon). Thank you very sharing your struggles and triumphants!
Sarah, I totally get it. I remember what it felt like for something to “click” and to become the binge monster. But I haven’t binged in over a year — it doesn’t even seem possible now. So peace is definitely out there, my dear. Know that for sure. Love and light to you.