"If you can't say anything nice, come sit by me." - Clairee in Steel Magnolias
Gossip is an un-joyful habit I engage in with a fair amount of regularity. Cause it's fun! But only sort of. Okay, maybe not really at all. It's that superficial sort of fun that feels good in the moment, but leaves me feeling icky later. Gossiping makes me a worse person. No doubt about it. It steals my joy. STEALS MY JOY. Yuck.
In effort to gain clarity on why I still take part in gossip, I'm going to do a little honest self-reflection and see if I can pull out the limiting beliefs I have about gossip.
1. I only seem to gossip with people I'm pretty close to. What's that about? Maybe it feels safe? But what am I getting out of it? I'm wondering if I have some deep-down insecurity that the people I love might not love me back, and therefore I feel the need to tear other people down in their presence to make me look better. Ouch. But could be. If this is the case, there are two limiting beliefs I could benefit from working through:
- The people I love don't love me back.
- I look better when I tear other people down.
2. I have a fear that if I stop gossiping totally, it will isolate me from a lot of people. People will think I'm a freak. Or a goody-goody. Or (gasp) BORING! I will make other people uncomfortable. I won't fit in. The limiting beliefs I'm noticing here are:
- It matters what other people think.
- It's my job to make other people feel comfortable.
- I need to fit in with people who like gossip.
3. For me, gossiping is all about making judgements. I've discovered in recent years that whenever I make a judgement about someone else, it's really somehow about me. My life coach (Hi, Simone!) was just saying the other day that when we are judging other people there are one of two things going on. Either we see something in them that we hate about us, so we lash out at them because we're really disgusted with ourselves, OR we see something in them that we really wish we had, so we lash out at them because we're jealous. This is a tough thing to realize. It makes gossip a lot less fun. No limiting beliefs with this one. It's just an important realization.
4. Much of my gossip is focused on airing my frustrations about other people. (I'm not really interested in sharing dirt about people's personal lives.) If I feel that someone has done me wrong or is threatening me in some way, I tend to lash out behind that person's back. I think I like the feeling of getting my friends and family members on my side, united with me against the evil doer. Limiting beliefs?
- I have to make a supreme effort to get the people who love me to support me.
- Talking bad about people makes me feel better.
This process I just went through, right before your very eyes, is a process I use often to dig out my limiting beliefs. In Part 2 (which I will post next week) I will continue the process and actually dissolve some these beliefs. Stay tuned!
P.S. I am so excited about what I'm sharing with your tomorrow. I wrote a song! And made a video! It's informative, it's entertaining, and it's quite wacky. Don't miss it!
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I love this post! I always feel bad when I gossip, too, and I can totally relate to not wanting to feel like a goody-goody by not doing it. Those limiting beliefs about caring what other people think and needing to make other people comfortable really hit home–I’ll need to do some working through those myself!
I have a friend who regularly gives me the magazines she’s finished with, including celebrity gossip magazines. I’ve found that after I read one, I just feel bad about myself, like I’ve totally gorged myself on crap (which is pretty much the case). Now, I don’t even read them; I just put them straight into the recycling.
Thanks for a great post–can’t wait for part 2!!
Amy! Look at your picture! Yeah!
Glad you enjoyed the post and related to it so much. I had a good bit of hesitation before clicking “publish” on this one!
I am totally with you on the magazines. Totally.
You inspired me to get a Gravitar–apparently I do whatever you tell me to!
I can see why you’d be hesitant–gossip really is a form of social currency. But I’m glad you hit publish! And I agree with Michael below; way to strike a nerve!
I love your honesty with yourself and on this blog—–that is a wonderful method you have for rooting out your limiting beliefs and discovering what is really going on when you gossip. I hope to apply it to whatever comes up for me in thought and behavior. Awareness and not getting sunk in self –blame ——crucial for making changes in how we feel and act. This is good stuff, Joy!
Thanks, Jean! I promised myself I would be as honest as possible on this blog. It’s a little scary sometimes. This post was one of the scary ones, so thanks for the positive feedback!
I think sometimes we use gossip as an equalizer … only it doesn’t solve ‘x’.
Good point. Agreed.
I think that I’m going to have to do some self-reflection, too!
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..A Bad End =-.
Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Mama Zen!
OUCH! My ego has kindly asked that you stop this self examination tomfoolery! That means I say keep it going and kick it up a notch!
I always say I don’t like gossip but then a few hours, uh, moments later. I find myself doing it. I can identify with at least three of the points you’ve mentioned. That’s three too many. Looks like I’ll be doing some amped up soul searching as well. Thanks for the virtual kick in the arse!
Can’t wait to see what you have coming up. Enjoy your weekend!
.-= Michael Stagg | My II Sense´s last blog ..Michael’s Sensible Roundup #2 =-.
Too funny, Michael! I’ve actually gotten a few personal emails on this topic. It hit a nerve for sure! I really wasn’t trying to tell people about themselves, but I guess when we shed a light on our own crap it kind of illuminates things for everybody! (Hey — I just used one of your poetry words!!!)
If you struck a few nerves I say good for you! there should be more nerve striking on a daily basis I think. Maybe then we wouldn’t be so quick to hurt, judge and mistreat others (ourselves?). We are all mirrors. Let’s look and honestly take account of what we see before us. It’s amazing how much you DON’T want to do anymore when you see someone else doing that same thing.
.-= Michael Stagg | My II Sense´s last blog ..Quoterrific: Hurry Up and Slow Down =-.
I know the brutal honesty you are so openly sharing with us is so not easy, but truly baby, thank you!
We all have things that steal our joy, limit our happiness and down right make us feel crappy about ourselves. Kudos to you for being real, and showing us how to be real enough to ask ourselves some important questions.
Thanks a bunch, Melissa. Big hug comin’ your way!
[…] week, I wrote candidly about gossip and explored some of the limiting beliefs that live below the surface of my gossip habit. Today, I […]